~trickybritt

I feel so isolated and stuck with my position in life right now. I know I have no reason to complain because I can easily change the situation, but it's not as easy as everyone is trying to tell me it is.

I hate being stuck here having to take an hour and a half, sometimes two hour, bus ride to work and school. I do get rides some days but I feel horribly guilty cuz I can barely pay for gas with the 9 hours I work each week. And the reason I only work 9 hours is because I can't go to work after school and work til 10:30 and take the bus home because my bus stops running at 11 and it takes 1/2 an hour to get from work to rideau. It sucks some days when I work 4 hours or have class for 1 or 2 hours and I spend 4 hours a day on the bus. Kind of like today when I had class for an hour and I bussed my ass out there for 2 hours to find out it was cancelled!! And then had to take the bus back home for another 2 hours. It's so mentally draining and I feel like no one understands. Luckily I have a friend who drives and he's agreed to drive me in tomorrow to work and home, but I don't want to take advantage of him, and what's worse is that he's moving in 2 weeks so there goes that help. I feel like I just can't get a break anymore. I know a lot of people have felt the same way at one point or another so I'm glad I'm not alone, but it's rough to deal with it. It would be so much easier if Alex could just get a job and we could move out so that we are closer to school and work. I lose so much sleep at night because my mind is going nonstop thinking about the bus ride i'll have to take the next day or worrying about certain days where I may not get a ride to or from work. It's ottawa for christs sake. People are getting stabbed on buses and kidnapped on their way home from work. it's one of my worst fears because i feel like all this hard work i'm trying to do to get where i want to go in life would be for nothing all because some &^&^%$%$^$%TREQCE couldn't pay the bills and had to sell their car. I can't talk to anyone really because the closest person I had has now left and anytime I talked to alex about it he just doesn't understand and tells me to put up or shut up. he says it's only another year, but i just don't see it happening. i want to move out so badly but i don't want to leave him. it seems like it's an a. or b. answer. A. stay and feel this way or b. move out and pretty much lose the closest thing i have right now. that's what people don't understand. they tell me to move out and i can live on my own and still be with him, but it won't be the same. i need to see him everyday and have him near beacause without him i feel powerless. he's what motivates me and if i were living on my own and could only communicate to him online and the 2 days he's actually at school (i'd only see him for an hour) i'd probably meltdown. he's the only person, besides my parents who really supports me and is here for me all the time no matter what. i've already learned not to depend on other people because they have their own lives, which they are entitled to, and should not have to drop everything just because a friend is having a crisis. i don't know. i'm just babbling now and i really need sleep.