So.

Lately, I've been in a creative funk. Ok, not lately…more like for almost a year now. I've begun to question whether I was ever creative at all. Which then makes me question, "Did I do the right thing?" The right thing being, choosing to study to be a graphic designer.

Throughout my three years of complete mindfucking in a graphic design program, I've found there are two types of designers: those who can, and those who try. Both can be great, but the difference is some people just have "it". The ability to create something magnificent that people ooh and ahh over. Meanwhile, the other type sit back, defeated, having spent all their time creating something they thought broke the mould of their creative being, only to be upstaged by "it". So, I'm wondering… how can I get "it"? I can read all the books I want on creativity. I can practice all I want, but no matter what there is always someone out there bigger and better.

A major factor in my questioning my worth/choice has been the events in the past year. I was strung along by some con-artist, promising all kinds of things that, looking back, I should have known it was too good to be true. I just figured "Hey, maybe my life is taking a turn, and I'm finally allowed to have good things in my life". Well nope. I got screwed and my self esteem as a designer and fresh graduate went right down the drain the months after as I sought out employment only to be met by closed doors and "We'll get back to you"s. Then, after meeting with a "Creative Consultant" who said my portfolio was "substandard", I was crushed. What did these people expect from me? I just graduated, I don't have much field experience, and am flat fucking broke. But in the end, the "it" people were nabbing all the jobs I was applying to.

Yea yea yea…"For every door that closes, another opens". I've heard it. However, when many doors are closed on you it leads to bruises. Optimism is replaced by pessimism and you're left there all alone in your pity party.

So I'm left to question: Do I have what it takes to succeed? Or do I quit while I am…well, behind? I spent too long during my teen years quitting everything I started, so the fact that I even graduated was a big accomplishment for me. I think the next step is sticking with this. Actually, I think the step I need to take before that is to learn how to not hold back and just design my heart out. I love design. I love to see great and clever creations. I only hope I can produce something even close to what I've seen.